Empowering parents articles
What teens really want to know about sex
By Al Vernacchio on March 14, 2016 in TED-Ed Lessons
On the first day of the high school Sexuality and Society class that I teach, I don’t pass around anatomy drawings or hand out pamphlets about safer sex — although those are stacked on a table near the door. Instead, the first thing I do is establish ground rules in the classroom: People should speak for themselves, laughter is OK, we won’t ask “personal history” questions, and we’ll work to create a community of peers who care about and respect one another. Then, I introduce the Question Box — a safe place where students can drop any question they have about human sexuality. The Question Box (an old shoebox with a hole cut into the top of it) usually stays in the back corner of my classroom, next to some scraps of paper and some pencils.
Below are some actual questions from students and my answers to them. I haven’t done any fancy editing; these are the questions just as the kids asked them. They run the gamut from innocent to downright technical. My answers are exactly as I gave them, to show how even a simple question allows for both information and value clarification to be offered in response. Here goes:
“Why is sex so good?” There are two ways to answer this question. From the biological perspective, sex feels good for an important evolutionary reason. If a species, like ours, is going to reproduce sexually, then there’s an advantage if that action also feels good. As I’ve often said, if sex felt like getting your tooth drilled at the dentist, people wouldn’t have it very often, and that could eventually threaten the survival of our species. Our bodies have evolved so that our genital regions, as well as many, many other parts of the body, are sensitive to sexual stimulation.
A part of the body that brings sexual pleasure when stimulated is called an erogenous zone. This does not mean just our genitals. All of us have many places on our bodies that result in sexual pleasure when stimulated. Knowing your own and your partner’s erogenous zones can lead to much more fulfilling sexual experiences. The mechanisms of sexual pleasure involve a combination of nerve impulses, blood flow, and muscle tension. To find out more about this, you might Google the phrase “human sexual response cycle” and look at the work of Masters and Johnson, two famous sex researchers who studied the body changes that happen when people get sexually excited.
The second reason sex feels good is that humans have developed the emotional capacity to feel love, intimacy, and passion. These emotional states highlight and deepen sexual pleasure. While pleasure can exist without these emotions, it is much more significant when they are present.
“When is someone emotionally and physically ready for sex?” I wish I had an answer that would be right for all people at all times, but the real answer is “it depends.” We are all unique individuals, and our relationships are all unique. Because of that, there can’t be a standard answer to this question. Wouldn’t it be great if we could say, “The Thursday following your sixth date is the most appropriate day to start having sex”? But, of course, that’s not the way it works.
I think it’s appropriate to start being sexually active with a sweetheart (and remember: I define sexually active as being involved with someone else’s body for the purpose of giving and receiving sexual pleasure) when intimacy, commitment, and passion are established and both people have pretty equal amounts of these feelings for each other. I don’t think these things develop quickly, so I don’t think sexual activity is appropriate on a first date or early in a new relationship.
I also think people aren’t ready to become sexually active if they can’t talk about it with their partners in a serious way, and also talk about safer sex practices, contraception (if appropriate), and possible positive and negative consequences and how they’d deal with them. Emotionally, a person has to be ready to face other people’s response, positive or negative, to the sexual activity, and be willing to share those emotional reactions with his or her partner.
As you can see, I think it takes a lot for a couple to be ready to engage in sexual activity. If any of the above things aren’t in place, I’d say you’re not ready.
“Could you use a balloon as a condom?” Short Answer—ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! UNSAFE! UNHEALTHY! DANGER! DANGER! Longer Answer: OK, I’m calmer now. Condoms are made to be condoms; balloons are made to be balloons. Both can be made of latex, but that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable. You wouldn’t use a pencil eraser as a car tire even though they’re both made of rubber, would you?
Condoms, when used correctly, are an essential tool in reducing the risk of pregnancy and STIs. They work so well because they’re designed for that purpose. No condom substitute (balloon, plastic baggie, sock — whatever) will provide the same level of protection, and some can do more harm than good. So insist on the original! Sometimes people ask about condom substitutes because they don’t know where to get condoms or are embarrassed to get them. Condoms can be purchased at any local drugstore; there are no age requirements for buying condoms and no prescriptions are necessary. Free condoms are available from many health clinics, sexual health agencies, and even some schools (although ours does not provide free condoms at this time).
Here’s an important thing to consider. If a person doesn’t feel confident enough to acquire condoms, then maybe they shouldn’t be having intercourse. Being ready for sexual intercourse means being able to handle all aspects of the situation, including protecting oneself and one’s sweetheart from unwanted consequences. Remember my rule about sexual activity—“ If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about it, then you can’t do it with them.” My rule for condoms is, “If you can’t take responsibility for securing condoms, then you’re not allowed to have the kind of sexual activity that calls for using condoms.”
“How can you tell if a guy likes you?” I know you’re really hoping for a clear-cut answer here, but that’s just not the way it works, I’m afraid. People can react in all kinds of ways when they like you. Some people get really quiet around you. Others will make sure you notice them. Some will tease you or act annoying. Some will just silently stare at you (yes, that can feel a little creepy).
The best way to figure out if a guy likes you is to ask him! Might it feel awkward to do that? Sure, but it’s also a way to get a clear answer. You might want to resort to the middle-school tactic of asking your friends to ask his friends if he really likes you or not, but that makes the whole thing so much more public than it needs to be. You could try using Facebook or texts to figure it out, but they’re not great ways to get clear information.
Why not try the kind of “I message” we use in class? In an I message, you describe the situation, say what you feel, and say what you want or need. Below are two different I messages you might try (or make up your own!).
#1: “I’m trying to figure something out and I could use your help. I’m feeling a bit confused about what you think of me. I’m wondering, can you be honest with me and tell me whether you like me or not?”
#2: “It’s hard for me to figure out if someone likes me or not. I’d be a lot less anxious if I knew for sure. So, I was just wondering, do you like me?”
Asking such a question might seem scary, but remember, the worst a person can say is no, and you’re absolutely strong enough to hear that and be OK. Believe it! Then go ask him.
Reference:
http://blog.ed.ted.com/2016/03/14/what-teens-really-want-to-know-about-sex/
This article is adapted for TED-Ed from the Ideas.ted.com article, and excerpted with permission from the book, For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health. Watch Al Vernacchio’s TED Talk: Sex needs a new metaphor. Here’s one.
Anger & Defiance
Does your child have anger management issues? Do you feel as though you’re constantly in power struggles because your child refuses to follow the rules? If so, you’re not alone! Tantrums and angry outbursts are tough child behavioral issues and many parents feel powerless in the face of defiance. The truth is, anger is not the issue; it’s the way your child chooses to express it.
Anger is a normal emotion that many kids and teens have difficulty expressing appropriately. There may also be other factors that make managing anger more difficult for some kids, such as a diagnosis, or aspects of typical childhood development like low frustration tolerance or poor impulse control.
As a parent, you’ll be more effective if you focus on teaching your child the skills to process anger appropriately, and avoiding power struggles rather than trying to make your child feel a certain way. Addressing anger and defiance should include choosing a calm time to discuss what your child can do differently the next time they feel angry. Try planning what you can do to avoid further escalation if you find yourself getting drawn into a power struggle.
In the articles below, you’ll find more information and techniques to effectively address the issues of anger and defiance.
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8 Steps to Anger Management for Kids
By Janet Lehman, MSW
Even as adults, managing our anger can be hard, and we’ve had years of practice. For our children, who are just learning about their emotions, keeping their anger in check can be especially difficult. Kids can easily lash out at people who make them angry or situations that frustrate them: name-calling when they lose a game or throwing the math book across the room. Learning to manage anger is an ongoing process. As parents, we can help by teaching our children to recognize what sets them off so that they too can keep their anger in check.
“It’s important to help your child look at what was happening and what they were thinking that triggered their angry response.”
Children are bombarded with difficult and new challenges on a daily basis – slights from a best friend, a teacher with limited patience, a sibling who picks on her, a math concept he can’t grasp, or a parent that says “no.” And kids have different temperaments. Some children struggle more than others with controlling their temper, even siblings raised in the same house with the same parents.
Fortunately, there is an approach that my husband, James Lehman, and I have found that helps kids effectively manage their anger. It’s an eight-step method that will help you and your child together identify and work on the triggersthat contribute to angry outbursts and plan alternative responses they can use the next time a similar trigger fires. Think of these steps as a “menu” of strategies you can use during the ongoing process of helping your kids learn to manage anger. What works for one child won’t necessarily work for another, so different pieces can be employed at different times with different kids.
- Diminish the Potential. As a parent you are probably all too aware of what triggers your child’s anger. Sometimes the best offense is a good defense – avoiding the situation or putting the activity on hold until your child learns better anger management. Of course there are activities like math class that can’t be avoided, but others can be. If playing cards always ends up in an argument for your sons, tell the kids to wait until an adult can join in.You can also replace a problem situation with a similar but less problematic one. If baseball brings out the worst in your son’s temper, find a less competitive alternative like track. Maybe your teen doesn’t do well after school with her sister. Help her find something she can do outside the house at that time like volunteering, diminishing the potential for an outburst.
- Manage the Situation. As parents we intervene in all kinds of situations to keep our kids safe and happy. Likewise, you can redirect your child and help them diffuse an angry interaction once it’s begun. Think about what cools your child down when they’re heated up. For some kids, it may be a time-out in their room, for others it might be going for a walk, listening to music, or writing in their journal. If issues arise at school, talk to the teacher to figure out what could work. Maybe it’s getting a pass to the guidance counselor or working on their art portfolio. This technique is especially effective when kids come up with their own ideas. Ask your daughter what she thinks she could do to cool down the next time she starts yelling at you. Kids can be pretty creative in coming up with their own ways to manage their anger.
- Identify Trigger Thoughts. It’s important to help your child look at what was happening and what they were thinking that triggered their angry response. As James says in The Total Transformation Program, parents need to identify triggers, as these “will cause repetitive incidents of unacceptable behavior if your child doesn’t learn how to manage them.” The focus here is on the thoughts that fueled the child’s negative feelings (fear, inadequacy, anger, jealousy) which led to their angry response.Start by investigating the problem situation with your child. Help him figure out what was going on and what he was thinking just before the angry outburst. To help him describe the trigger thoughts, have him imagine that someone videotaped the situation and when played back, he could hear what he was thinking at the time.Parent: “When I asked you to go upstairs and clean your room, you swore at me, stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. Let’s talk about what happened and what you were thinking.”Teen: “When you asked me to clean my room, I was just about to watch my favorite show on TV. I thought that you knew it was my favorite and picked that time to send me upstairs. You always let my brother watch his favorite show and his room is worse than mine. I thought that was really unfair and that made me angry.”The trigger is thinking that the parent was unfair, which led to feelings that the parent favors the sibling, which led to the angry outburst.
- Constructive Self-Talk. Once you have identified the triggers, teach your child to tune in to and turn around those underlying negative thoughts. Although it can be hard, kids can learn to practice constructive self-talk which will help them develop more acceptable responses to problem situations. If the same problem situations happen over and over, it’s likely you’ll find that negative self-talk is going on in your child’s head. Say your daughter always blows-up at her older brother when he beats her at basketball. Her self-talk probably sounds like: “I’m never good enough. I’ll never beat him. I’m such a loser. He’s such a show-off.” Helping her to recognize and switch around her negative self-talk can help her to react differently the next time. Her constructive self-talk may sound like: “I know I’m trying my best. He’s two years older and 4 inches taller. I’m actually pretty good at basketball when we play at recess. I’m getting taller and better at lay-ups. Maybe someday I’ll beat him.”
- A Simple Plan. Help your child come up with a simple one- or two-step plan for what to do when they are experiencing problem situations. If your child has trouble in gym class, help him come up with a simple plan to cope with the situation. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed and eventually angry, suggest that he talk to the teacher about another way to demonstrate his ability or if he can do an alternative task. Maybe he can arrange to take a brief break when feeling on the spot, a silent signal to the teacher about his growing distress.The important thing is to work it out ahead of time, tailor it to the situation, develop do-able alternatives and make sure your child is aware of the plan. For an older child, he will need to buy-in to the plan, as he’ll be the one using it. For a younger child, this may mean telling her what is going to happen differently. “If you have a tantrum at the store, we will leave immediately and won’t be able to buy that cereal you like.”
- Communicate. Let others know what the plan is. If your child is having a hard time in math class, talk with the teacher and explain what you are trying to do to help your child. “When my son is frustrated in math, he starts thinking that he’s dumb and gets overly sensitive to criticism. Last year it was helpful when his teacher let him do the problems at his own pace. My son felt less pressure and often did well on the work. I hope you can help us figure this out for this year.” You’ve let the teacher know the problem, a potential strategy (or simple plan) to address the problem, and elicited her support in making it work.
- Implement. Once you’ve come up with the simple plan, the sooner you can implement it, the more likely it is to work. Let’s say you’re taking your child to the football game, where they tend to get over-stimulated. Plan to sit in a less crowded area and take frequent breaks. Don’t make this plan in the summer, expecting you’ll remember in September. Instead develop it, tell your child and implement it right away. And don’t wait until the behavior is unmanageable. If your child is starting to get over-stimulated in the first quarter, take a break right away.
- Move On. It’s important to move on after trying a plan. If it was successful, great! It works and you can use it again. If it wasn’t, it may take a few tries or some tweaking. Help your child understand that it’s okay and that you’ll try it again or try something different next time. You both did your best; you tried something new and you’ll try again next time with more success.Helping kids identify their triggers and manage their anger is a tall order, I know. Keep in mind that it’s a process. You will likely encounter some setbacks or unsuccessful trials, but that’s okay! Remember that learning and developing new more effective strategies doesn’t happen overnight. It requires time and persistence. Keep coaching these skills—one at a time if that makes it easier—and they will come.
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