MARRIAGE & FAMILY

So Sue Me

The intersection between law and psychology

by Ruth Sarah Lee, JD

The Real Reason Why We Divorce

The history of divorce is also the history of romance.

Published on August 5, 2014 by Ruth Sarah Lee, J.D. in So Sue Me

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Society has a special place in its psyche for true love. We think of it as unconditional, intimate, and everlasting. Divorce, on the other hand, seems the antithesis of love—temporal, legalistic, and involving lots of paperwork.So would it surprise you to learn that the development of our Western notion of romantic love is what ultimately led to the development of divorce law?
The truth is this: Not only did the development of romantic love coincide with the development of available divorce, it was the trigger. This juicy part of societal history has been widely overlooked.

Let's start from the beginning: From 0 A.D. to the 1600s—that is, 1,600 years—divorce was not available to married couples. The Catholic Church influenced and controlled marriages. With only a few exceptions, marriage was permanent, regardless of abuse, fault, irreconcilable differences, or anything else short of death. This permanent marriage was not based on ideas of romantic love, but on much more practical matters, such as reliably keeping land in the family, and keeping status stable.[1]
Indeed, romantic love was not encouraged, and was even frowned upon, between married couples. Up to the 18thcentury, “it was generally held that passionate sexual love between spouses within marriage was not only independent, but positively sinful.”[2]
If divorce was unavailable for 1,600 years, how did it become so widespread (relatively) recently? The Church became less influential, and the importance of family land became less crucial. But the more important—and interesting—factor is that Western concepts of romantic love began to arise in the 1800s. Enlightenment thinkers in their salons, and romance novelists in their publications, began pushing married love as a credible idea. After women began reading these books and listening to these ideas, it began occurring to them that they should marry for love rather than convenience—a novel concept at the time.[3]
However, once romantic love entered the equation, eternal marriage became psychologically inconsistent. Romantic feelings are emotional. And emotional feelings change over time. Therefore, a marriage built on romantic feelings could not be indissoluble. Because “human emotions need not remain eternally constant…divorce became practically possible.”[4]
In sum, it is ironic that today, many of the people who advocate against easy divorce do so with the idea that they are defending romantic love—because it was the very emergence of romantic love that triggered the availability of divorce. Marriage based on other factors like religion, land, and family obligations were much more stable bases for marriage than emotional love.
So the next time you hear someone complaining about the frequency of divorce in America, blame it on love.


[1] William Blackstone, Commentaries on the Laws of England, Vol. 282 (Herbert Broom & Edward A. Hadley ed., John D. Parsons Law Book Publisher 1875) (1765).
[2] Lawrence Stone, The Past and Present Revisited 347 (Routledge 2d ed. 1988) (quoting St. Jerome, quoting Seneca).
[3] Stephanie Coontz, Marriage (2005).
[4] Margaret F. Brinig & Steven M. Crafton, Marriage and Opportunism, 23 J. Legal Stud. 869, 875 (1994).






Posted 2 September 2014

Lifetime Connections

Exploring women's relationships in families and friendscapes

by Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D.

7 Ways to Tell If You'll Work as a Couple Long-Term

Eventually, values matter.

Published on August 19, 2014 by Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D. in Lifetime Connections

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When it comes to keeping a relationship fresh and fulfilling for the long term, or even for a third or fourth date, it comes down to the evolutionary need to find a partner who potentially would be a good parent to your children—even if you cannot imagine being anywhere near ready for a brand new, car-seat equipped, five-star safety-rated, DVD-equipped SUV.

We are programmed to prefer partners who are different enough from ourselves to keep the relationship fresh and exciting (and, in terms of evolution, to keep us from inadvertently settling down with someone just a little too genetically similar—meaning, related), but similar enough in core values to assure us that if the time comes, they will be as good partners to us and parents to any potential children as we feel we would be ourselves.

All about the values
Seven core value types have been identified as universal—acknowledged and ascribed to around the globe. So no matter where you live, chances are strong that you have already formed your own personal values, to some degree, in the seven areas listed below. Research also indicates that relationships that are built on shared values are much more likely to endure—sure, a fantastic lover offers thrills and chills, but someone who shares your core values will be by your side once the early excitement subsides and the goosebumps disappear.

When you feel that a relationship has not moved in the direction that you thought or hoped it might, or if a lover just doesn’t seem to fit your life when you are out of the bedroom, or the idea of spending the rest of your life waking up to the person seems more like a sentence than a partnership, there may be some mismatched values.

What do you value?
To determine what your most important values are, take a moment to reflect on your own personal experiences and expectations within the relationship and outside the relationship. Next, use the categories and examples below to write down the values that you hold most dear. Depending on the relationship, you may invite your partner to do the same. If that is not a possibility, use your values as a guide to seeing how well your partner fits and this may help you decide whether to keep moving the relationship forward or acknowledge that it is time to find a better fit:

• Prosocial (Caring about others). Example: A partner supports me when I am feeling down.
• Restrictive Conformity (Avoiding harm to others). Example: Partners do not lie to one other.
• Enjoyment (Seeking pleasure). Example: Partners should be able to laugh and joke together.
• Achievement (Personal success in life). Example: I feel everyone should work hard to succeed on the job.
• Maturity (Understanding, accepting self and others). Example: When my partner fails me or in pursuit of a goal, I do not withhold my love.
• Self-direction (Independence in thought and action). Example: Even though we are a committed couple, my partner and I do not try to control each other’s thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
• Security (Safety and stability of self, relationships; belongingness in groups). Example: My partner and I take time to discuss how the relationship is going and work together to ensure mutual satisfaction in our relationship.

And remember: The person who fit your life and your needs last year, or even last week, may not be the person who will be the best long-term fit. Values are pretty strongly held, core beliefs. You may go crazy for someone who makes you forget your name with a single meaningful glance, but what will really make you purr for the long haul is the person who will get up first to make the coffee, let out the dog, or feed the baby on those morning when you just have to go back to sleep.




Reference:

www.psychology.com




THE NINE ELEMENTS OF EMOTIONAL HEALING

Jimmy Evans discusses the key steps to becoming emotionally healthy. When your personal emotional health improves, the health of your marriage improves as well.

Reference:

http://marriagetoday.com/latest-tv-episodes/, 28 March 2016