SELF COMPASSION

What is Self-Compassion?

What self-compassion is  |  The three elements of self-compassion   |  What self-compassion is not

Definition of Self-Compassion:

H

aving compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

Read more: What Self-Compassion is not

Below are the three elements of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness.

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Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism.  When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

2. Common humanity.

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Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.  All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.  Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

3. Mindfulness.

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Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.  This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.  At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Reference:

http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

The life of the virgin and martyr Santa Maria Goretti.

Saint Maria Gorretti 

Do you act with a good intentions towards others?

Benevolence in Psychology

Benevolence is the activity of one person or thing helping another with the intention to help or benefit the other. Wouldn't the world run better if government had the peoples' best interest in mind? There are reasons why people have a benevolent attitude towards other people as well as causes and effects that tie in to the reasoning behind why someone acts a certain way. If the government made a lot of agreements that gave more money to lazy, but desperate people, that would be a form of benevolence, although it is teaching the person that things will be handed to them. This is benevolence on a large scale, but these types of acts can occur in everyday life between people or animals.

From a psychological standpoint, benevolent can be a simple give and take between two people in any relation. If the other person has the best interest of the friend or partner in mind, then positive outcomes will take place as long as it is reciprocated. People feel good about helping others because it is a form of gratification to the psyche and ego of the person. Others certainly enjoy feeling gratification and this type of exchange can be viewed a "reward" system in the brain; just how the person feels good winning a competition or earning money for some kind of work or deed, one can feel gratified by helping another individual.

Who Can Help?

Anyone can help another person whether it is a celebrity donating billions of dollars to a country in need, a friend giving a gift, or someone paying attention to someone who is in a negative situation because they would like to see them be happy and live a positive life. What goes around, comes around and if someone is thoughtful towards others, it will be positively received and most likely returned towards the person. However, one should be careful around people who seem to take and never give, because a toxic relationship could form and the giver will feel taken advantage of by the user. Some people have misconceptions that holding the door open for someone is a sign they are flirting, or they have other reasons that prevent them from showing goodwill. However, one should act benevolently out of their own personal desire to and not let the possible judgments of others cause them to recoil the idea.

Causes and Effects

Causes

• Someone is generous and enjoys helping or giving to people
• Someone is helping a person in need such as a drug addicted family member
• A person is being nice by looking out for co-workers to establish positive relations

Effects

• The giving individual feels good for helping another
• The person on the receiving end of the benevolent is benefited in some form
• Co-workers are nice in return and the group forms a symbiotic relationship

One should be aware that not everyone one is benevolent towards will be receptive for whatever reason, but why stop because there will be other people who will be receptive and keep it in mind. People very strongly will remember a person who does a good deed for them, but at the opposite end, they will allow just as vividly remember one who has wronged them. There is a lot of fear in the world that causes people to act irrationally, and possibly act solely from a perspective of survival. Although what if more people were benevolent towards each other, then peoples' needs would have a higher percentage of being cared for not only by themselves, but by additionally by others. This is not saying that someone should expect others to do everything for them, but that if one cares for themselves and looks out for others then it will form a web of support. This concept can be applied to the positive family unit, a recovery center for drug addicts, a group of friends, communities, states, governments, etc.. The general idea is to take the positive action between, for example, a doctor and his patient, then apply it on a grander scale that encompasses more people; as the video below talks about this type of idea based on positive action and good will.

Some Pros and Cons, Goods and Bads, Yays and Nays

Pros

• Benevolence can inspire support and good will in others
• Helping out other people can make one feel good
• Being benevolent on a small scale is the first step to translating it to a large scale

Cons

• Other people take advantage by leeching off peoples' good will
• Negative feedback, such as Jill calling Bob a creep because he held the door open for her, which leads one to not want to be helpful anymore
• Not caring about one's self enough because one is too focused on others

How often has someone been benevolent towards you?

•  All the time
•  Often
•  Sometimes
•  Never

Source: http://hubpages.com/education/Benevolence-in-Psychology#

The World We Make with the Dalai Lama

Is Yelling the New Spanking?

Is Yelling the New Spanking?

The Definitive Guide to Guilt

The five types of guilt and how you can cope with each

Posted Aug 11, 2012

When it comes to guilt, Freud was the expert, but he certainly didn’t have a corner on the market. Guilt comes in many forms, but when all is said and done, it can be boiled down to a set of five basic types. You’ll learn what those five types are, but first let’s take a look at how psychologists define guilt.

Guilt is, first and foremost, an emotion. You may think of guilt as a good way to get someone to do something for you out of a sense of obligation. Guilt is not a very good motivator. It's more accurate to think of guilt as an internal state. In the overall scheme of emotions, guilt is in the general category of negative feeling states.  It’s one of the “sad” emotions, which also include agony, grief, and loneliness, according to one comprehensive framework (Fischer, Shaver, & Carnochan, 1990).

Like other emotions, there is no one explanation for guilt. The traditionalFreudian view is that guilt resides under the surface veneer of our behavior.  Thepsychodynamic theory of Freud proposes that we build defense mechanisms to protect us from the guilt we would experience if we knew just how awful our awful desires really were.  Specifically, Freud linked the feeling of guilt, and its related emotion of anxiety, to the Oedipal stage of psychosexual development. Young children, he believed, desire having sex with their opposite-sex parent. Eventually, these desires become submerged and transformed into sexual attraction toward others of their own age. Freud’s disciple, Erik Erikson, took a somewhat dim view of Freud’s emphasis on sexuality as the only force in development and therefore took issue with Freud's notion of guilt. Instead, Erikson believed that guilt first emerges in life at about the age of 3-5 as the negative outcome to a period he called “initiative vs. guilt.” Children develop a strong sense of guilt at this age as the polar opposite of playfulness. They are afraid to express themselves with their toys because they fear that if they showed their true emotions, they would commit an unacceptable act.  They grow up to be overly inhibited adults who constantly fear doing something for which they’d later feel guilty.

If you don’t like the psychodynamic approach to guilt, perhaps you’ll find the cognitive explanation a bit more palatable. From a cognitive point of view, guilt is an emotion that people experience because they’re convinced they’ve caused harm. In cognitive theory, the thoughts cause the emotions. The guilt of emotion follows directly from the thought that you are responsible for someone else’s misfortune, whether or not this is the case. People who experience guilt on a chronic basis, according to the cognitive perspective, mistakenly suffer under the illusion that they have caused other people harm. Their negative emotion follows from their tendency to misinterpret what happens to them and not to question the logic of their conclusions. In cognitive therapy, treatment often involves teaching people to rid themselves of their “automatic thoughts” that they’ve caused others to suffer. People constantly plagued by guilt are also taught to recognize their “dysfunctional attitudes” so that they recognize when they’re going through such mental processes as catastrophizing (making the very worst of a bad situation) or overgeneralizing (believing that if one bad thing happened, many more must have as well). 

In contrast to the psychodynamic view of guilt, the cognitive perspective gives the average person some clues for fixing the tendency to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. According to the cognitive view, if you change your thoughts, you can change your emotions. Once you realize that you’re inaccurately seeing yourself as causing others to suffer, you can readjust your mental set and more realistically figure out your role in whatever grief came their way.

Armed with this background, let’s examine the five types of guilt and—more importantly—how you can cope when guilty feelings come your way.

Guilt Cause #1: Guilt for something you did. The most obvious reason to feel guilty is that you actually did something wrong. This type of guilt may involve harm to others, such causing someone physical or psychological pain. You may also feel guilty because you violated your own ethical or moral code, such cheating, lying or stealing. Guilt over your own behavior can also be caused by doing something you swore you would never do again (such as smoking, drinking, or overeating). In each of these cases, there’s no doubt that the behavior occurred.

It’s appropriate to feel guilty when you’ve done something wrong. Feeling the emotion of guilt for an action deserving of remorse is normal; to not feel guilty, in these cases, may be a sign of psychopathy. The problems occur when you ruminate over this guilt. An action in the past cannot be changed, no matter how much you wish it would. Accept the fact that this happened, apologize to the person or persons you harmed, and then figure out how to avoid committing the same act in the future. If you’ve violated your own personal standards (such as through overuse of alcohol or cheating on your partner), you can best avoid straying in the future by seeking support from others who can help you rid yourself of this habit or help you to keep on the up and up. Finally, because of our natural tendency toward egocentrism, we assume that others place far more importance on our thoughts and actions than they actually do.  The behavior over which you are tormented by guilt, such as inadvertently insulting a friend, may hardly have even penetrated that friend’s consciousness. 

Guilt Cause #2: Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to. You’re thinking about committing an act in which you deviate from your own moral code or engage in behavior that is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal. Like Jimmy Carter, you may have mentally lusted after someone other than your spouse or long-term partner. This is a tough type of guilt to handle. It’s true that you didn’t actually commit the act, and so you’re still sitting on the moral high ground. However, we all know that the very fact that you’re contemplating an act that violates your own standards can be as guilt-provoking as the act itself.

If you're beating yourself up for these forbidden and taboo thoughts, you can try the good old Freudian defense mechanism of repression (where you stop up the hidden desire) or denial (where you don’t acknowledge it). However, this is unlikely to lead to a satisfactory outcome because by defending against your feelings, you may actually fall prey to them and behave in a way that gives you reason to feel guilty. An approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)(link is external) provides some guidance for how you can cope with this type of guilt. You can recognize that you have these illicit thoughts, accept them as part of who you are right now, and then, commit yourself to changing your behavior so that you don’t follow through on them. Rather than shove them under the surface, you can embrace your illicit thoughts and desires and work on reducing them through conscious effort.

Guilt Cause #3: Guilt for something you think you did. As cognitive theories of emotions tell us, much of the unhappiness we experience is due to our own irrational thoughts about situations. If you think you did something wrong, you can experience almost as much guilt as if you actually committed the act — or even more.  One fairly typical cognitive source of guilt is the magical belief that you can jinx people by thinking about them in a negative or hurtful way. Perhaps you’ve wished that a romantic rival would experience some evil twist of fate. Should that evil twist of fate come to pass, you may, at some level, believe that it was due to your own vengeful wish.  At some level you “know” that you’re being illogical, but it’s hard to rid yourself completely of this belief.  We also know that our memory for past events is highly flawed(link is external). It’s possible for you to have done nothing wrong at all but to misremember and think that you did, particularly when there are highly charged feelings involved.  Suspects can have false memories implanted into them that convince them that they not only were at the scene of a crime, but actually committed it. 

Before you start accusing yourself of wrongdoing, make sure that the wrongdoing actually took place. If you’re distorting your recollection of events to make you seem more at fault than you are, it’s time for a hearty dose of reality testing.

Guilt Cause #4: Guilt that you didn’t do enough to help someone. Perhaps you have a friend who is very ill or who is caring for an ill relative. You’ve given hours of your free time to help that person, but now you have other obligations that you absolutely must fulfill. Or perhaps your neighbors suffered a tragic loss such as the death of a relative or fire that destroyed their home. You’ve offered days and weeks of your free time but, again, you find you can’t continue to do so. The guilt now starts to get to you and you try desperately to figure out ways to help them despite the toll it’s taking on you. Psychologists use the term compassion fatigue(link is external) to capture this feeling of burnout. Though used typically to describe professional helpers, it can also occur among people who offer continued informal support to others in need.  Adding to the overall emotional drain of the situation is the guilt you overlay on top of the fatigue because you think you should be doing more.

You can decide or not whether you want to continue to make the sacrifices needed to help these individuals. However, it’s important to separate your desire to help from the guilt you fear will overwhelm you if you don’t. Acting out of guilt can only drain you further and ultimately make you a less effective helper.

Guilt Cause #5: Guilt that you’re doing better than someone else. The experience ofsurvivor guilt(link is external) is one recognized by professionals who work with combat veterans who outlive their fellow troops. Survivor guilt also occurs when people who lose families, friends, or neighbors in disasters themselves remain untouched or, at least, alive. Applying not only to people who live when others in the same situation have died, though, survivor guilt also characterizes those who make a better life for themselves than do their family or friends. First-generation college students, for example, often feel torn by conflicting emotions about their success in school. They want to do well (and their families want them to also), but the students themselves feel guilty that they are getting opportunities that their parents or siblings did not. To “protect” their family members, they may engage in self-destructive behaviors that ensure they won’t make it in school.  Logic would dictate that the family truly want the student to succeed (and thus bring honor to the family), but this logic is lost on the student due to survivor guilt. 

The only way to cure yourself of survivor guilt is to remind yourself of how proud, glad, and invested those who love and care for you. Remind yourself, as hard as it might be, that your own failure will not help bring someone back to life, nor will it make others who love you feel better about themselves. You need to gain your inspiration from the knowledge that your efforts are a tribute to them. Don’t get down on yourself if you can’t reach your loftiest goals (or the ones they have or had for you) but at least know that you’re giving yourself the shot at success that they would want you to have.

There’s no doubt that guilt is a complex and interesting emotion. It can even cause you to spend more than you want to or can when buying gifts for your friends and family. You can’t live a completely guilt-free life but you can keep it within manageable bounds. Guilt can also help you gain greater self-understanding by helping you to recognize when, in fact, you've done someone else harm. Guilt, in and of itself, isn't a destructive emotion. If you let it become all-consuming, however, guilt can get the best — or the worst — of you. (Susan Krauss Whitbourne, 2012)

Reference:

Fischer, K. W., Shaver, P. R., & Carnochan, P. (1990). How emotions develop and how they organise development. Cognition And Emotion, 4(2), 81-127. doi:10.1080/02699939008407142

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt, Susan Krauss Whitbourne, 2012)

"Which emotional intelligent quality will you work on?"......

Reference: www.facebook page/supersoulsunday, watch video, date accessed 29 March 2016.

GLOBAL ANGER

 Watch this video on anger

Eckhart-Tolle-How-to-Release-Global-Anger-Video

Anger Management Class Week 1

Johari Window - To Increase Self Awareness and Self Esteem, and to Decre...

Eckhart Tolle - Managing Anger, Resistance & Pessimism

DISCOVER YOUR LIFE CHAIN

Self Matters:-

Just think about where you were born, what family you were born into, and who you grew up around. You simply became part of a long chain -- its links consisting of your parents, your grandparents and your siblings. Consider the momentum that this chain created -- the messages and expectations that passed from one link to the next, through generations. That chain sealed much of the fate that was to be yours. You did not have the slightest choice about the links in your life chain, but you do have a choice in what you do now!

Example: You grew up with a mother and father who believed that they, and therefore you and the rest of your family, were all second-class citizens who should keep their heads down and not make waves. You probably learned to just be glad that you were even permitted into this world.

Statistics indicate that most people are tremendously confined by the life circumstance that they inherit, totally ignoring whether this is a life they would have chosen. You don't have to mindlessly go along with this life chain you have both inherited and passively contributed to. You can begin to shape its links, actively and consciously.

Answer the questions below. Write out and save your work -- you may want to review it as the Self Matters process continues.

1. Where were you born?

2. Where do you live now?

3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living?

4. What do you do for a living?

5. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world?

6. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?

7. What is your life chain?

• Self Matters Action Plan

Self Matters Action Plan

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. You can stop being passively shaped by the internal and external forces in your life. It's time to move your self-concept away from a world-defined, fictional self toward a self-defined, authentic self that is grounded in the here and now.

Here is an overview of Dr. Phil's Five-Step Action Plan:

Step 1: Isolate a Target Event
Decide which of your key external events has turned out to be the most toxic experience of your life. This will be either one of your 10 defining moments, seven critical choices or five pivotal people. Then write a short description of the target event. When you're done, read it over to make sure you are being honest in your account.

Step 2: Audit Your Internal Responses to That Triggering Event
Ask yourself the following questions about the event you described in Step 1:

a) Where do you place a responsibility or blame for that event, your locus of control? Who was responsible? Did you have any control over the situation? Were you even old enough to have a say?
b) What has been the tone and content of your internal dialogue since that event? Do you find your real-time, "normal speed" conversations in your daily life reflecting the changes that occurred within you and are associated with that event? When you reflect on this event, what do you say to yourself? Even when you're not reflecting directly on the event, but experience feelings of guilt and shame, what do you say to yourself?
c) What labels have you generated for yourself as a result of your event? What have you told yourself about you as a consequence of what happened?
d) What tapes has this event generated or contributed to? Has this event caused you to develop an automatic, unthinking response that "predicts" the outcome of any given situation?
e) What are the fixed beliefs and resulting life script that you have constructed as a result of your event? Do you suspect you are living from a "script" that was written as a result of this event?

Step 3: Test Your Internal Responses for Authenticity
You can test everything you are saying to yourself and find out whether it is fictional or authentic by asking these four questions:

a) Is it a true fact?
b) Does holding onto the thought or attitude serve your best interest?
c) Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health?
d) Do your thoughts and beliefs get you what you want?

Step 4: Come up with an "Authentically Accurate Alternative" Response
When you test your negative internal dialogue and it fails (as it should because it isn't true), you need to do what Dr. Phil calls "Triple-A Thinking." This means replacing your fictional responses with ones that are an Authentically Accurate Alternative. How do you know your new responses are AAA? Because they meet the authenticity standards outlined in Step 3.

Start by dividing a page into two columns. On the left, list your present fictional beliefs ("I am worthless"). On the right, list as many alternative beliefs as you can. ("I am a worthy human being with valuable qualities" "I deserve to be treated with respect" "I have things to contribute to the world").

Now it's time to test your alternative beliefs.

a) Is the alternative true?
b) Is it in your best interest to hold these beliefs?
c) Do the alternatives advance and protect your health?
d) Do the alternatives get you what you truly want?

Circle all of the alternative beliefs that have passed the test. Now you can choose to adopt as many of these authentic alternative beliefs as you like.

Step 5: Identify and Execute Your Minimal Effective Response (MER)

The goal of Step 5 is emotional closure. You want to be able to close the book on the life event that caused you so much pain with a minimal amount of effort. Consider your alternatives for action and ask yourself these four questions:

a) What action can you take to resolve the pain?
b) If you were successful and achieved this action, how would you feel?
c) Does the feeling you will have match the feeling you want to have?
d) Remember the word "minimal." Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical action that would give you the emotional resolve you want to feel?

Whatever your MER is, you need to identify it and do it so that you can achieve emotional closure and move on to a more authentic, fulfilling life.

References

www.drphil.com, date accessed 25 February 2016

Abraham Hicks ~ How to deal with anger

Abraham Hicks~ To attract immediate success

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Abraham Hicks. Dealing with anger and going to higher vibration

Abraham Hicks~ control your feeling

Curiosity

Brian Grazer – Hollywood producer interviewed by Oprah

 Oscar winning author in science, business, and art.  A curious mind- book – secret to a happier life.  How can we tap into our curiosity?

 Eavesdropping – he heard when he graduated college, what will I do and he was last; he majored in Psychology and was positive he would not get into law school.  He was confused but he heard two graduates talking out of his window and heard the easiest job was at Warner brothers and he called and got the jobs which were to deliver the Warner papers.   He had to hand the paper to the person directly and the assistants just believed it.

He started meeting people who were in the show business and he met Wassermann and he was given the look don’t waste my time kid Wassermann, who created pictures in mca.

You have to own your own idea.  You have to have connections.  The only chance he had was to create anything from an idea.  He was given a pencil and paper and told that was all he needed to do.
 He enjoys drawing.

 How can curiosity make us more adventurous?  It has done so for his life as he grew up in a little neighborhood and didn’t know much but he used his curiosity to study and meet new people and it’s been a tool of courage, self development in his movies.

 Hs movies are his reflection of his insecurities and he overcomes through learning some subjects that other people don’t know e.g. food, fashion.  So his curiosity has all rounded his life.  Curiosity can make us more powerful not the one of shouting and being aggressive.  It is real power as one can come in contact with people who are experts in other things.  Everyone you meet is an opportunity of curiosity finding.  In every situation.  As it adds ones more purpose in life.

 Recharge and revamp when you meet a NO as he did for the splash movie.  He shifted how he told the story.  He tried to meet a new person every day.  He saw Ron Howard; He turned his curiosity into a discipline by deciding he would meet a new person every day.  It’s a religious practice and his goal.  It brought meaning to his life as the new person shared their experiences.   He told him he wanted to be a movie director.  Howard was another curiosity and he walked into him.  Howard wanted to be a director and he wanted to be a producer so they stuck together.

 “Empire” addresses everyone.  It was explosive and had an awe factor.
 Curiosity informed his work in that his ideas and empathy are important but if you can’t change it into energy then you are not communicating.  He used the information, curate the information.  He had 8over 500 curiosity conversations.  His curiosity conversations were just because he was interested.   Daryl’s conversation showed his that power can be austhestistic.   We are all trapped in our own way of thinking, relating with people that we think the world is the way we see it.  That can be dangerous and is boring.  You only see your point of view and you think it is the definitive point of view and not when you meet people out of your conform zone and you know it is not.

 You are born curious no matter how much of it you have lost.  You can regain your curiosity by taking nothing for granted e.g. your health, people.  This is how you can become more curious.

 We are here to find out why we are here.

He defines God as a governing force that is someplace out there and you are at peace if you are connected to the source other than yourself interests.

 How does he stay in the light in all the darkness in the world?

He acts within the sphere of his reach.  Treating all equal with love, it’s a butterfly effect that extends to other people.

 His purpose is to let people know that redemption is possible.  Even if is to reach the empire.


reference:

www.oprah.com - livestreamed on 19 April 2015

"non-verbatim due to realtime transcript"

Lifeskills on how to find healing after an abuse

 Oprah interview's Cynthia Bond author of the bestseller Ruby

It is a story based on her life about abuse as a child which she hid until the writing of this book.  Find out how she found healing and how you can help someone else going through a similar challenge.

A therapy to young people under-going any form of abuse.

 – non verbatim due to real time transcript:

Interview:

“Every scar on her mum was a story of where she grew, as they asked her- tell us about every scar?  She felt where her mother grew up was part of her life as she learned about it.

She wore grey like rainclouds – quoting her mum

When she writes she sinks into and settles into herself and is fully into her world where she feels, sees, and tastes everything, that how she writes.  When she walks into the writing room, she was experiencing great pain and agony and didn’t have an expectation as she was experiencing rape pain.  As a victim of abuse it is as if someone is putting their poison, hate and fear into your body.  When you write the pen is a small tool to pour out that hate out of your body,   release onto the paper.

She feels  writing is her calling.  

As she wrote about the rain clouds she felt right. That is honoring your calling.  That’s how you know you are honoring your true calling.

Surviving her darkest days?

She was having memories of her own past that was repressed and had kept all those memories away as she did when she was a child.  As an abused persons, she was on the floor calling for help, e.g. from the rape experience.  She would drive weeping and she never knew she would get through it.  She was suicidal and wanted to hurt herself. 

The book is a story about her mother’s life and about child trafficking.  It about her own abuse.  She always knew and kept those writing away when he was a child. She never stepped out of it then but she was on the floor calling out for therapist and she would drive around crying and weeping She was suicidal, hospitalized and wanted to hurt herself.  She went through post traumatic trauma.

Her life has helped to tell the story of Ruby.  The lesson in the book is that it is possible to not only survive anything but it is possible to be a victor and be victorious over any obstacle.  She knows that in her marrow in her bones that whatever happens as long as you are breathing you can survive and be a victor.

Writing about Child trafficking – comes from talking to young people and also about her abuse.  There is a wound in her that will never go away but it in no longer her shame; it is her badge of honor.  There are people in this world who know what they did to her and her hope is that they know they did not destroy her and she want others to know who have gone through  such abuse that they don’t have to be destroyed but they can be victorious.  She will always be hurting but it is no longer her shame but it is her badge of honor as she has gone through the battle and she is strong and standing.   “You also can thrive through it”.

Her mother did not know about her abuse.  Her mother bears the pain for not being able to protect her from the abuse.   Her mum was tough and never thought of looking close.  It is always people who are close that sexually abuse children.

The writing helped her to heal as it is the reason she is here on earth now and at times she feel her spirit was tangled to be pacified but she wrote the book which helped her untangled the necklace in her life.  But writing helped her untangle the problem I her life.

Ones you write in a journal on a page it (the problem, agony etc) actually leaves your body.  As you will be able to identify and see your own life.   If you are brave enough to live through it the most you can do is to listen.  Listening to another person’s story as it heals as you realize you are not alone.   Bearing witness is very powerful and it is a spiritual practice to bear witness and to be with that other person.  She asks the listen to bear witness her story in the book and to the young girls listening or reading this.  They are out there.

Oprah felt redeemed and she weeps in the show.  It’s a holy thing she says and lol…..

The book is a holy act and a cleansing act. 

Writing is a spiritual practice for Cynthia, and says one feels like you are going into  another place or time and you never go alone that is the spirituality of  other energies, in spirituality you go with other  people before you , your characters and your are never alone, there are other energies as well.  Cynthias grandfather made living as he know when other people would die, i.e he was intuitive or psychic as people would say..   Her aunty was raped and shot and her grandfather never faced justice and now that she wrote the book her mother feels that justice is done.  

Q -What kind of God allows this to happen?  

A- I am not meant to understand about the workings of this world but she knows G od is here and she Is protected her al her life.    Ruby found her sense of spiritually through nature.  As riding on the bus she was told find something to be grateful for  and looked out and saw a tree and said I am grateful for green (her favourite colour) , flowers  nature etc, She has audacious hope of rooted things.  You can put a seed anywhere and it doesn’t get depressed and say ahh let me give up it, but it fights for its life.   – that is God and that is what the human spirit is about! LIFESKILL.  

Q - When she wanted to give up -  and why not

A- She thought about her mother and that is why she didn’t give up.  Her mothers kept her hear.  Her mother was strong she gave her her own spirit and engraved it into her daughter, i.e took her strength and engraved into her own.  gave her her strength to go on and her mother was there for her all the way.  Took  her strength and braided it into her.  

Her grandmother was religious to the point her mother could not polish her nails as shewas told she would go to hell.  O- What kind of God punishes you for the kind of nail colour?  That is a small minded god,   that is hypocrisy.   God lives here and is all over us.  True religion is about welcoming from the heart.  Her mum found it later and found  spiritual home, but Cynthia  found out in her own that God is more than the small box people try to put him in.

Dark side

She was not afraid to explore the dark side as it is part of te world.  

Negativity is the dark side coming to life – manifested - it is the collected fear and hate.   .  How do we diffuse the dark side, it is through love.  You curse the darkness by lighting the light.  Light always dispels the dark.  Light a match and darkness goes.  

Heaven she believes in.  people make choices and that becomes who they are.    When people are tormented and cannot resolve they cannot ascend fully.  And that is not anyone’s destiny.    When you commit horrific acts know that this is not your destiny. 

Q- Cynthia’s vision board and the  hope of a single seed.

She believes in the vision board.

On her vision board she had oprah and how she would like her book and all the things she hoped would happen, had the book club symbol.  WHATS IN YOUR VISION BOARD?

   Cynthia believes in  the energy of attraction (vision board)  See it, do it .  You create what surrounds  you .  You create your world.   Her vision board was on her screen saver and  every time she opened her computer  - there it was!

DO YO HAVE A VISION – BOARD? (WRITE ALL THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE OR ACHIEVE, I.E THE END MISSION OF YOUR PLANS.  (and save as a screen saver to see it daily

When she created the vision board – she wrote all she wanted to achieve.  

Q- Is there another dream for her now that she has written Ruby.  

A-Yes, she left many stories when writing “Ruby”  so she hopes to live long to tell her stories and her other  dream is to see her daughter happy and fulfilling her dreams.  WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS??  She would like to have writing columns for mums.  She believes that it will happen as if you are diligent enough it will happen. - It’s all in her vision board too

Q -Her hardest lesson to learn is that – You are not a VICTIM, as when something bad happens one thinks they are a victim over and over again.

She is gratefully – that her mother read the book and now is not supportive of her and she can now instead provide for her and can provide for her own daughter.   She hopes there is a woman out there who can hear this message in the world and heal from it and that is what she is eternally grateful for.

BOOK  - RUBY –by Cynthia Bond

O’s message from the book –

“THE AUDICIOUS HOPE OF ROOTED THINGS – A SEED WHEN PLANTED NEVER STOPS TO GET DETERMINED TO GROW THAT IS WHAT IS OUR LIVES.”  www.facebook.com/supersoulsunday live streamed on 22 March 2015

Video:


Ruby -Cynthia-Bond-Video (supersoulsunday interview)

or

 http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Book-Club-20-Author-Cynthia-Bond-Video#ixzz3VmNmJGzd

(available two weeks after the live stream) – 22 March 2015

Summary of life skills from this episode:

• Journal your troubles away, as you leave them on paper 
• You can become victorious from your life troubles and make them “your badge of honour” 
• Do not let others hurts, pains, troubles penetrate into your heart through  the things they do to you 
• Listen and be a witness to other people’s painful experiences as it helps them heal. 
• If you are troubled, seek help from a professional counselor instead of rubbing off your problems onto others e.g by abuse, hate and expression of your fears

Margaret Maingi

Message used in the commercial break:

Phenomenal Woman

By Maya Angelou

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

reference:

www.oprah.com/supersoulsunday - livestream

-non verbatim due to realtime transcript.